inhale

It’s November, but we decide when Halloween ends. There weren’t a lot of faces but there’s too many to learn. I don’t know you without a mask, how will I know you with one? Nice to meet you. It’s okay, I won’t remember you either. Jell-O shot?

Maybe Halloween ends with the high decibel thunder you hear through the open front door, letting you know it’s time to go home. Probably should have left sooner. At the 11:30pm warning for heavy storms, at the midnight warning too. It’s 1am though, the rain is sideways, and every fast food line is queued with cars around the building. Real fall came in real soggy.

Being online comes with limitless possibilities, and I think it’s one reason everyone grows up too fast, or forgets how important genuine connection can be. I miss logging in to read how my friends were feeling, to connect deeply with strangers I’ve never met. Anonymous usernames that gave you a peek into what someone liked or found interesting. I remember when I had time to sit down and absorb other people’s words as if they were my own. Platforms are stretched thin trying to be a catch all. Everyone wants to be a powerhouse but instead they are becoming a 5 in 1 shampoo — blogging transformed itself into a more complex thing, but it really lost a lot of what good things it had because of its simplicity. Out of everything it has become, the value of journaling has been lost. The one thing I believe all of this started from. Characters are easy to save, they are the basic building block of the internet and code. Images and videos? Talk about storage, loading, and hosting. The limits in the beginning proved to make people give a shit instead of posting a 30 second or 30 character bait for more likes, views, followers, money.

Money ruins everything.

life is good too. it’s beautiful. I think becoming an adult means realizing there will never be perfection or balance. It’s how you live through everything despite the horrors.

I’m always so stuck on the bad, and fearful of speaking loud about the good. What if happiness causes the other shoe to drop. What if? So what? It comes back around to the good eventually. Or you’re better, stronger, more fearless, equipped to handle the next disaster? I might punch people on the way. My therapist calls that boundaries.

Being tested these days. Not in a bad way. I just feel like I reset the game of life, and I’m trying to navigate it better.

there’s people with bad memories because they’re the guilty asshole, and there’s people with bad memories because they were the victim.

one day again I will tell my story

and for once it will start to feel lighter

today is my 9/11.